the_big_beat

Bournemouth

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 21:04:03 GMT

SO!

Today I flew down south to Bournemouth, tomorrow I have a meeting to attend for work. It's quite an opportunity to be involved in this project I think, good things to put on my cv.

Kat is back home, missing me. We've barely ever been seperated for more then a couple of hours at a time for the last few years, now I think about it. This is hitting her hard, and I'm only away for one night. Its so cute how she misses me, hehehe.

The trip was uneventful, on the plane journey over I was thinking abotu light and why the sky is blue and such, pondering the forces at work on the wings and how planes stay in the air, when something happened.

The plane descended through the clouds, and suddenly we were hit by some tubulence. The plane was a small one, and shook quite violently. I suddenly felt something I hadn't really appreciated before- I was afraid to die. On the limited occasions in my lif where I have faced to prospect of expiry I have always shown an equanimity bordering on reckless fearlessness. Don't get me wrong- I'm afraid of being hurt or badly injured somehow like anyone would be, but the thought of instant, end-of-everthing oblivion never really bothered me. After all, I would be byond worrying about it.

However this time was different, and I realised why- I was thinking about Kat. Without really noticing it, things have changed very significantly for me. I can no longer just wander about doing as I please knowing that only I need worry abotu the consequences, I have a wife who needs me and if anything happened to me it just doesn't bear thinking about.

At first this led to some consternation. After all, I am not accostomed t,o letting myself be worried about things it's not a pleasant feeling! But as I looked around I saw the other passenger bent over books or staring listlessly as though nothing in the world were the matter as we screamed through the air in a thin metal tube. I must have been the only one on the flight who was contemplating mortality in that moment, and so I pulled myself together. It's a new realisation however- I am no longer a free agent bouncing from adventure to adventure, I am part of something bigger and I have to live up to my responsibilities.

I love you honey, and I'll be home as soon as I possibly can!

x

thinking thinking thinking

Mon, 19 Jan 2009 07:26:30 GMT

I love these long nights when I can finally get some real solitude. Family doesn't really understand what I get out of it, because the fact is I'm not really here. In these times I'm off out in the world, my mind slips away and I'm in a million different places. The experience is at once emotional and visceral, both a gut feeling and a very distinct concrete sensation. Every time I return changed in subtle ways, I need these voyages. After all, who can limit themselves to living in the present when it's so easy to touch a piece of infinity?

In the last few years I've been going further and further. I can feel myself slipping away sometimes, and when I return back here it's difficult sometimes to return to a normal frame of view. I have to try harder these days to maintain consistency and an even point of view without changing constantly.

Things have been certainly progressing apace recently. We just had a phone call from Kat's mum (joy) and I spoke to her Honduran family who were staying over. Kat assures me that they are lovely people and I'm sure that she's right, though I don't know how I'll handle the inevitable trip to Honduras that's coming. With dignity and aplomb no doubt, but it's certainly a little stifling having to put on the perfect Englishman performance again.

Life is not something that simply happens, it's a war you have to fight every day anew and each moment of pleasure is a victory that's hard fought for and won. Every day is constant struggle but that at least indicates that one is still alive.

Graah!

Thu, 27 Nov 2008 10:21:24 GMT

Curses, my computer if finally giving up on me. I've had the ole girl for a while, and frankly she was never up to much. Always a little cranky, made out of cheap Chinese bootleg parts, but still she was my girl and I'll miss her. I need to get a new system, start fresh.

In the mean time of course this means I can't work on anything, and it's driving me crazy. Sometimes I feel crippling guilt, or that my fingers are going to pop out of their joints like champagne corks. It's not a very nice feeling. Whenever I go for too long without doing some work- anything- then I start to get this itch. Sometimes it can lead to unexpected results in terms of terrifying mood swings or a fascination with tangental, whimsical things.

Regardless. Yesterday I learned about the causes and course of the English civil war. I think next I shall investigate the "Glorious revolution" and the enlightenment era, that sounds interesting. Day after day I discover things I want to know more about, and my knowledge is expanding.

I have no idea what in hades I am doing.

Tue, 25 Nov 2008 20:27:22 GMT

So I know nothing about how these things work, but The Wife demands that I write a journal. Frankly I also think it's a good idea, after all I am full of ideas and it'd be good to preserve them like tiny precious beads of jade shaped like axolotls.

Two things of note today-

At work, Sally decided to test my omniscience, and asked me who invented the catflap. People do this sort of thing. Without hesitating, without even blinking, I said "Sir Isaac Newton" (which is the correct answer, incidentally. He wanted to avoid having to leave his work in order to keep letting his cat in and out).

Secondly, I had a brilliant idea on the walk home from work, I was entirely taken up by it all the way home. Prepare yourself for-
"Original Manchester Sauce"

I would market it in a little black bottle, to demonstrate just how merciless it is. I spent the walk home planning on the ingredients and such. Of course, there is no such thing as Manchester Sauce, which means my one is original. And best!